Here are tips for extracting yourself from the maze of customer service "help" lines. I found these precious ideas in Wired magazine.

• Press 0 (zero) repeatedly, or use combinations of 0, *, and #. If you're told it's not a valid entry, ignore it and keep punching. A real person may come to your rescue.
• Punch in the number for the Spanish operator. This person is probably bilingual and can help you, or at least transfer you.
• Call the sales line. Sales lines get quicker attention than run-of-the-mill customer service lines. A sales rep can at least transfer you.
• If you find yourself in a voice recognition system, try saying words like these: agent, operator, representative, I don't know, get human, and help.
• As a last resort, shout profanity into the phone. Some systems, according to Wired, will rush angry callers to an operator. If you decide to use the profanity route, I suggest you close your office door, especially if you work at the United Brethren denominational office, as I do.

Erinn, one of my coworkers, taught English in Japan for two years. She pointed out that some of the first words students pick up when learning a new language (though not because she taught them) tend to be swear words. But here, she noted, was a practical reason for learning English profanity. That's a marvelous insight that would make her father proud.