How to Trash My Male Ego

If I think I possess the slightest hint of manliness, the notion can be shredded by going for a blood test. Like I did this morning. The nurse wraps a tournequet around my upper arm, asks me to clench my fist ("Uh, not so tight"), and then begins tapping my forearm, searching for a vein. Tap tap tap tap. Can't find one. Let's try the other arm. Tap tap tap tap. Hmmm. Oh, there's one.

Meanwhile, I avert my gaze, unable to watch, feeling just a bit light-headed. Already.

"I'll use a baby needle," she tells me with a smile. Because I've been telling her what a wimp I am, and that my otherwise understanding wife laughs at my wimpdom when confronted with blood tests.

I feel the poke. I try to keep my mind on something else; don't remember what. Then another poke. "Okay, you're done," she says.

"That was easy," I say with bravado.

And then a cloud descends. I feel faint. The nurse must have drained at least a couple quarts from my arm. She tells me to cough deeply to increase blood pressure, and to put my head back. I comply. Another nurse brings me a glass of water. "You're not the first to feel this way," they tell me. Yeah, right. They keep talking to me. Don't be in a hurry. Would it help to lay down? We have a bed in another room? Looks like your color is coming back. Don't leave until you're ready. We don't want you fainting in the car. These are women who have had babies, trying to keep a grown many from keeling over because he got poked with a needle.

About 15 minutes later, I feel good enough to stand, which I do bravely. And once standing, I feel good enough to leave. I thank the kind ladies, then head out to my car. They told me I should go get something to eat, something sugary. So I went to Bob Evans and ordered pancakes.

Posted on September 25, 2007 12:23 PM|

Comments

Don't you see? That's WHY men don't have babies! Bravado starts early in females. When my middle daughter was 2, she looked the nurse right in the eye while having blood drawn and never flinched.

Posted by: JH | September 25, 2007 05:05 PM

I must completely disagree with you on this. You say you are a wimp because you don't like needles. Nonsense. You simply have a strong sense of self-preservation. Sure, reason and logic are attributes we men like to claim but our instinct of self-preservation trumps it. Why would you not instinctively react to the thought of a needle approaching your body with the intent to puncture your epidermis and remove the very essence of your life?

What irritates me the most is that my better half always feel the need to talk in the minutes before the attack takes place. Don't females realize that the time of preparation is of vital importance and shouldn't be wasted in trivial conversation?

As one who feels he has endured more than my fair share of spearings I have often wondered if the cure was far worse than the disease. Since it appears that we are of one mind with regard to the retched things perhaps you will collaborate with me on an idea I believe is long overdue. Along with an organ donor designation on my license I also want instructions for medical personal that if I am ever unconscious in their presence they should complete any and all testing that could foreseeably be required in the near or even distant future. "And please take out my wisdom teeth and appendix while you're at it."

Posted by: Tom | September 26, 2007 09:26 AM

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