Discomfort in Foreign Pews

What is most important to a first-time visitor to your church? David Zimmerman, writing on Church Marketing Sucks, says, "First-time visitors care most about not embarrassing themselves." He then gives some examples of what a visitor might fear:

  • How they are dressed. Too casual, or too dressed-up?
  • Will their kids acts up and make a scene?
  • Will they get confused and stand up at the wrong time?
  • When the offering is taken, will they feel pressured to give?

Zimmerman mentions how some churches ask visitors to stand. I haven't seen that since college, when a UB church here in Huntington had visitors stand and introduce themselves (for the record, it didn't make me uncomfortable then, but would now). He also mentions attending a church that reversed it, asking the regulars to stand and the visitors to remain seated. He then found himself "surrounded by towering members in this intimidating church, each hanging over me as they offered me an obligatory welcome and handshake." Yeah, that would make me claustrophobic.

Here are some other things that can cause a visitor some anxiety or awkwardness.

  • As you enter the church, someone shakes your hand and states a boilerplate welcome, and then goes on to the next person. You're left standing by yourself, feeling conspicuous and wondering, "Where do I go now?" Contrast that with a greeter who sticks with you, shows you around, and genuinely takes an interest in you.
  • Uh oh, they're doing communion. What's the procedure? Do I need to get out of my pew and go somewhere? Can visitors even take communion here or do you need to be a member? Do I drink and eat as soon as I get the elements, or do I wait? I need to watch everyone closely to make sure I don't screw it up.
  • Standing around by yourself, waiting for the service to star. Nobody comes up to speak to you, even though it's obvious you're a visitor. You feel sooo conspicuous.
  • As a lifelong church attender, I know that people stake out regular pews. I'm afraid of sitting in someone else's "personal" place. At a UB church some years ago, an older couple gave me a bothered look, because I apparently took "their" pew. Hey, I'm sorry.
  • If the church has a greeting time during the service, this can be a nice thing. But it can also be terribly awkward if you're a visitor and people still ignore you. Or if they give you a quick "Nice to have you" welcome, and then turn to someone else--a regular, someone they know--and begin talking about how their week went.

At any event, I'm always hyper-conscious of how I'm dressed. Am I over-dressed, or under-dressed? I need to get over that, but at age 50, it's pretty ingrained and I'm not sure my apparent low sense of self can conquer this persistent insecurity.

Posted on October 3, 2007 10:51 AM|

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