Recently in General Silliness Category

Is there a conspiracy to eliminate the spoon from Western Civilization?

I ate at Applebees yesterday and had some rice pilaf in a bowl. But when I unwrapped the napkin, all it contained was a knife and fork. Have you tried to scoop rice out of a rounded bowl with a long-tined fork?

At Smokey Bones, I love their roasted corn. However, they serve it in a small round crock...and like Applebees, they don't give you a spoon. Pam and I always ask for a spoon, so we can eat the corn without swearing.

But why should we have to ask for a spoon? Corn + rounded crock = Must Have Spoon. A no-brainer to me.

Did some restaurant exec figure out how much money the chain can save in a year by not buying spoons? How much would be saved in dishwashing expenses by eliminating one-third of the dinnerware?

Then you go to some fancy restaurant, and they give you three forks. I don't understand.

Lauren Rosenberg, a Utah woman, needed to walk from Point A to Point B, so she asked Google Maps for the best route. The walking directions included walking a half-mile along a highway which didn't have a pedestrian walkway. She followed Google's directions...and got hit by a car.

Now she's suing Google for $100,000 in damages, claiming that the walking directions should have warned her that the highway lacked a sidewalk. Actually, Google Maps DOES include this warning:

"Walking directions are in beta. Use caution--This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths."

But Rosenberg says that warning didn't show up on her Blackberry.

Here's a thought: couldn't she SEE that there was no walkway?

Has Lauren Rosenberg no capacity for independent thought? Did she not "look both ways" before crossing roads, because Google didn't specifically tell her to?

If she were to win this lawsuit, Google, Yahoo, and Mapquest would be forced to take their mapping services offline until they can be sure that all of the bases are covered. And "all" means literally trillions of combinations of potential map routes.

And then Google better start mapping all the potholes, lest someone, in following their directions, step in a pothole and twist an ankle.

People need to learn responsibility.

And it begins in the left-hand turning lane.

Being the first one in line in the turning lane is an important responsibility. Not everyone can handle it. Every driver behind you is counting on you to get off to a quick start, because as everyone knows, that arrow won't say green for very long (turning lanes get no respect). A few seconds, and then it's yellow...and then gone. And drivers must wait for the next round.

Too many drivers, first in line, just can't handle the pressure. They space off, consult their cellphones, tune the radio, look around. Then, when the green arrow appears, they fumble around and cost several cars the chance to make it through the light. Too often, drivers don't even get going until the arrow is yellow. And then there are a few hardened laggards who don't move until you honk at them. Such persons should have their licenses revoked, if not their citizenship.

It's especially problematic for stick-shift drivers, who too frequently don't have the stick in the proper gear for starting off. When they come to a stop, they thoughtlessly leave the car in 4th gear (or whatever), so when the light turns green, there is a long pause while they shift into first gear. Stick-shift drivers should undergo special testing before having licenses issues or renewed. Think how many hundreds, or thousands, of man-hours are wasted at stoplights simply because someone didn't downshift before the arrow turned green.

Responsibility doesn't end with the first car. The second and third cars must also be ready. I'm talking about gaps. When the first car takes off, the second car should be right behind it, and the third one right behind it. I am obsessive about this, always following closely behind the car in front of me. A large gap between cars means that at least one driver, further back, won't make it through the light, because somebody is meandering, thinking only of themselves and not of their fellow travelers.

The turn lane is serious business. You've got to be ready. You've got to carry your weight.

I feel strongly about this.

As James 2:19 states, "Even the demons believe--and tremble."

My marriage is backwards. I enjoy shopping, and Pam doesn't particularly. But in most marriages, if the stereotype holds, it's the husband who gets totally bored while the wife is taking her time perusing every aisle in the store. So for those men, here are some ways to pass the time. And come to think of it, Pam could try these, too.

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Menswear. Get on it right away."
3. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
4. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and invite the children shoppers to join you if they bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
6. Place boxes of condoms in other people's carts when they aren't looking.
7. When a clerk asks if he can help you, begin crying, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while picking your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where you can find the anti-depressants.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice the Madonna look using different sizes of funnels.
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell, "Pick me! Pick me!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

In the United States, we color-code our terror threat levels. The French are more specific.

Level 1: Run
Level 2: Hide
Level 3: In Fetal Position, Begging for Mercy
Level 4: Surrender
Level 5: Collaborate

(Thanks to Kem Meyer for the photo.)